Basically, I’m a girl from the Caribbean with a Masters in Hospitality and Tourism Management that decided to do something fun with my degree. This is my little space on the internet to give you some insights about my island and the people that live here.
I was born and raised on the 37sq mile island of St. Martin (SXM). SXM happens to be the smallest land mass to be divided into two countries, France and The Netherlands. I’m dutch, in case you wondered. My first language is English, though I’m in the process of learning Dutch and Papimento.
I got my BS in Hospitality Management at the University of South Florida and my MS in Hospitality and Tourism Management at the University of Central Florida at Rosen College. I had six years in the US and then decided to move back home to contribute to my island. Things haven’t gone exactly as I’d hoped so I decided to create my own path to get what I want.
So in short, this is my venture into the internet to see what happens. Hope everyone that reads this is enjoying the site and if you have any tips feel free to share (in a polite and respectable way of course). kthxbye!
So, virgos are said to be perfectionists. If it’s not done “right” we don’t want it.
Being a perfectionist is something I recognise in myself and is something I actively work on. Nothing is perfect, I know this. I am human, I know this. Making mistakes help you learn, I know this. Now if I could only get my brain to comply.
The hardest place to accept my imperfections? Motherhood. Before I was a mom I watched talk shows, movies, and basically paid attention to what was “the right way” to do things. That, based with my personal experiences, I came up with what I thought was the best plan. But then you have a baby and there are the things they don’t tell you about and things you realise you may have adjust your views on. Which is all fine. That’s what the internet is for.
But in the moments where you’re struggling to maintain self and family, it gets tricky when someone questions the example your setting. If this is your ideal then why are you still not happy? Why do you seem so gloomy all the time?
This is where my perfectionist self feels attacked. I’m “not happy” because I’m still trying to figure out the “perfect” set up for everyone AND how to maintain it AND is it actually the best course of action? Now these are discussion topics that I don’t discuss but am trying to work it out for everyone.
Quick recap : I’m now working after some time of not. I was afraid of how the change would affect my daughter but in the short time that I’ve been working she seems okay.
Now the real test of strength begins. I am working. My daughter goes back to school. My husband goes back to work. Now we have to figure how to function in this new structure. And yes, I know there are several persons out there doing this and making it work without a partner or support group. BUT that doesn’t take away from my feelings of abandoning my daughter. I know she’ll be fine and kids adapt well but it’s still nagging.
Then there work and personal life. My friends can tell you, I barely balanced personal and personal life.
After a while (I’ll just leave that there) of not working I have placed myself back into the working world.
I say I placed like I gave myself the job, haha. I decided that I needed to get back to working. Then I had a few people tell me that I needed to get back to working and then I knew it must be true. Because if I thought it without saying it out loud and then I’m hearing it it’s because the universe is confirming what I thought. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
I put in an application. I got called in for an interview. And voila I’m working people.
I wish it were really that easy. I’ve had quite some time at home and quite some time with my daughter while at home. So this change was/is not an easy one. I struggle with things not being as they were and her having to adjust to change. Luckily, I have a smart child that’s getting smarter by the day. And while she doesn’t like me leaving she seems more okay with it. It’s been days and she’s seemed to already be okay with the change.
Here i was worried! How could I do this? How will she react? Now I have to figure out schedules. I have to ask other people to give up their time. sigh. Not things that I want to do. But, all necessary. And my daughter is quite fine. Silly mama.
In june 2018 i found out that i had another bun in the oven. then in november 2018 i found out i had an incompetent cervix, which basically means that my baby was becoming too heavy for my body to support him.
around the middle of june 2018 i had realised that i had yet to see my period. at that point i wasnt keeping very good track of it so i didn’t actually know if i was late or not. but it had seemed like a while since i’d seen it. so after a week or so of stalling i finally decided to buy a test. i thought i was simply paranoid and this test would prove it to me. the test did not confirm my paranoia.
august 2018 we came home on vacation. my family wanted to see my daughter and i wasnt working anyway. so my husband put in for his vacation days and we came down. then the homesickness that i had been pushing way way down surfaced so unapologetically. i didn’t want to leave again especially with the new challenge coming. so we decided that we’d move back home. it was a hard decision. sometimes i think what if we’d stayed but more times i’m happy that my husband was willing to move back.
come november 2018, i’m at home enjoying having my parents’ house all to myself. i’m getting comefortable on my bed about to find something to watch. then i sneeze and hello! i feel this liquid just shoot right out. i think to myself that it was a little weird but it must be a normal thing because it can’t not be normal. but just in case i decided i’d message my sister about what happened. again, i was given no confirmation about what i was hoping. she encouraged me to pay a visit to my doctor. (this was monday and i had an appointment on friday). he also does not have good news. he puts me on bed rest for the rest of the day and insists i got to the hospital the next day.
that was one of the hardest days i’d had in awhile because i couldn’t play with my daughter too much, i couldn’t pick her up and i had to continuously ask for help. the next day i went to the hospital with my sister and the doctor got into just what exactly was happening.
my cervix had dilated. my cervix wall that was suppose to be a thick tubing was now so thin that you could see the membranes ( which i interpreted as you could see my placenta sac with baby inside). and the doctor from the day before explained that that liquid that came out was my amniotic fluid. there weren’t many options for me besides bed rest. i stayed in the hospital for the next couple of weeks with no change. i was admitted at 22 weeks and i was transferred to colombia at 25.5 weeks.
up to this point there had been no change in my condition. there was no more leaking. my baby was healthy and practicing his kickboxing moves in my stomach.i had no weird pains other than regular pregnancy stuff. i was hopeful. travelling to colombia was scary , being in that situation, but i was very optimistic about what the outcome would be. when i got to colombia i decided to do video updates daily. if he made it then i could show him what it took to bring him here and if he didn’t then… i hadn’t figured that part out yet.
Some years ago my sister introduced me to the musical Wicked. We’re driving in her car and she’s playing her personalised music mix. The song Popular comes on and is an instant favorite for me. I liked the songs so much that my sister got us tickets to a performance and my mind was blown.
I’m a live theater musical fan. Though, I haven’t seen that many. Over the years I’ve explored the different songs of Wicked and my favorite grew to be Defying Gravity, followed by Popular. Defying Gravity is basically about realizing that things aren’t quite how’d we’d like them to be and not being able to sit quiet and accept that (my interpretation).
There’s a line that goes, ” I’m through accepting limits ’cause someone says they’re so. Somethings I cannot change but ’til I try I’ll never know.” As I reconnected with the musical and the songs within the last months these lines have resonated with me. I’m trying new things and continuing with some old. Self motivation isn’t always there but I still push. Then I’m asked, “why are you doing these things? Who is this benefitting? What you makes you think this will inspire any kind of change? How is this going to help St Maarten?”
I don’t know what, if any, change will come from my content. But I can’t not do anything because it may not help. I’m working to have a purpose to my original content. I’m not working for fluff that gets views ( though views and likes would be nice). I am of the belief that you never know who you can inspire. You don’t know how the smallest thing for you can be grand for somewhere else. So why not? And if it provides you a type of therapy also then bonus.
Then I heard the lines and thought, “who are you to predict my future and be that secure that I won’t/can’t make an impact?” And so, I’m now working on defying gravity. Care to join me?